I am puke
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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