If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
