I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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