The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
