wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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