can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
