shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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