She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
