DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
