I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
