saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
