I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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