Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
