People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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