Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
