conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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