the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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