i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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