she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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