No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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