I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Randomize
