i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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