i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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