Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
