Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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