I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I intend to get homeless drunk
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Houston, we have a squirter
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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