the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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