Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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