You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
