I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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