your parents love me but you hate me
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
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I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
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he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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