I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
