apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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