Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
