You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
