Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
