If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
