I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
