You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
