I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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