I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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