I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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