just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
