just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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