Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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