watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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