I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
