i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
