can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
