I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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