remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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