I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
