So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
