i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
