something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
