absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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