And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
