he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
